Autobiographical Narrative: Old view of person X vs. New view of person X

As we entered Rafael’s Mexican Restaurant, an outside observer could have easily confused this dinner for a first date. In a way, it really felt a lot like a first date. Sean was on his best behavior, and he had taken more care with his appearance than he had probably done in nine months. He made sure to rush to open every door, and there were awkward pauses in conversation where I could tell he was looking for just the right thing to say.

Sean probably felt that this was his night. This would be his night to prove that he could change enough to salvage our relationship that in my mind had been dead for months. Tonight, he could prove to me how dull and lonely my life would be without him. That he was irreplaceable.

Our first date had been nearly a year before, but neither of us considered this much of an anniversary. I remember how comfortable he made me feel from the first day we met. For once I felt that I could truly be myself with someone else, and I thought this must be love. Everything felt so easy, because I didn’t have to worry about how I looked or the crazy things I said. I was able to be more honest and open with him than anyone else in my life.

We finally went out on our first official date after we had gotten together with friends regularly for nearly a month. I had met several of his close friends at work. I was eager to make new friends, because I had just moved back to Houston after two years in Austin. My loneliness and isolation played a key part in how eagerly I pursued Sean. We had much less in common than I made myself think. The fact that we lived fifty miles apart on different sides of the city also didn’t help.

Honestly, I didn’t view our first date much differently than all those gatherings with friends. Sean just seemed like a close friend to me. Although we had similar tastes in entertainment, I was busy with school and work during the week. Sean really didn’t have much ambition, and he sometimes attended his classes at Houston Community College, but he was unemployed and lived with his parents.

I picked up Sean for our first date, and we went out for margaritas at a Mexican restaurant and then to a movie. We were both avid horror fans and went to a new zombie flick. When he insisted on paying despite my protests, I finally realized he saw this as a date. In my own mind, I was a bit confused, because I had asked him about going to the movie, and the thought of a date had never occurred to me.

Tonight’s date at Rafael’s was planned due to my insistence as well. It was a typical May Sunday afternoon in Texas when Sean arrived at my house to pick me up. The heat probably did not help Sean’s comfort. I could see the sweat dripping down the back of his neck, and he had never been fond of going outdoors.

Sean turned the stereo on in his car to cover the awkward silence. It was amazing that two people who had spent so much time together over the last year could have so little to say today. I provide directions to the restaurant I had chosen. A week earlier Sean had asked for a second chance when I said I was done with the relationship. I told him I would give him a second chance under the condition: he take me on a real date, which I hadn’t experienced since we met nearly a year before.

Sitting in the booth at Rafael’s, conversation seemed to become increasingly more difficult. I couldn’t even look at Sean anymore. I just looked over his shoulder and attempted to entertain myself with the other tables. It wasn’t even a matter of us no longer sharing the same interests. I had always appreciated our different tastes, but Sean could no longer be bothered to even listen to the things that interested me. Quite frankly, most of what Sean had to say just bored me. I realized sitting in the restaurant and watching the other couples and families enjoying their company and time spent together, that I was only prolonging the inevitable and making this break up even more painful for both of us.

I had really tried to give Sean a second chance. I’m not the type of person that can just make their complaints and then walk away from someone when they seem as if they want to make the situation better and change. However, I found out that night that it was a lot more talk than action. I had never had elaborate, long-term plans for what our life could be like together, but I had always had my own personal goals and plans for a family one day. Sean seemed to be able to just sort of float through life. He went day to day, week to week, month to month with no plans or goals at all other than getting through that day or finding something to occupy his time. Honestly, it was depressing just for me as an outside observer. I sort of grilled him that night on what his plans were, and I told him I couldn’t continue to have a relationship with him if he wasn’t doing anything to personally advance himself. He had relied on me for entertainment and his sole social outlet for nearly a year, and it was exhausting and pretty boring for me. He probably thought he was making a true effort, but I could tell he wasn’t going to carry any of his plans out. Sean would be living off of his parents in pursuit of a degree until they finally got sick of it and cut him off. It was sad for me to see a man, three years older than me, who had been in school for at least five years, with absolutely nothing to show for his life.

I decided it was time for my pity to stop. I needed to get away from him for my own good as well as his. That night made it clear in my mind that the only way to end it, and really be fair to be of us would be just to make a clean break. I haven’t really talked to him since the break-up, and I really hope that it helped him realize he needs to get his life together. Sadly, I’m afraid he is still up to the same stuff he was when we were together. Honestly, for once in my life this break-up gave me the strength to realize that I am a pretty special person, and I deserve much more than I ever expected before. Breaking up with Sean was one of the hardest things ever had to do. It wasn’t just breaking up with someone, but it was that our relationship was one of the only good things left in his life. I really hope that it benefited him as well. No reason that we should both basically be unhappy in a relationship. In the end though, my experience with him, taught me that my own happiness is really my primary concern regardless of how much I want to help those I love.